Change is the only Constant in Life

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major changes because it is a normal part of life. Did I expect it to happen so soon though…absolutely not! For 21 years my life pretty much revolved around my kids. My schedule was, for the most part, coordinated with their extra-mural activities, their social schedules and their health. Now it has come to an end. Now I am faced with one of the realities of life, more specifically parenthood. My kids are grown up, they are shaping their own lives and they are embarking on their own life journeys…separate from us, from me. The time has come for me to take a step back, to allow them their freedom and to let them soar. This is my test. I have to let go with the belief that I have done enough, that I have shared values, principles and morals that they can accept as their own or to embrace

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their individuality and differences should they accept values, principles and morals of their own. But, letting go is no easy task. I have been lucky. Doing what I do has given me the opportunity to prepare myself for the transition from a hectic schedule filled with loud teens, clothes lying around everywhere and bellies that are constantly in need of being filled with some scrumptious meal, to an empty house filled with silence. Constantly talking about codependency, sense of identity and purpose, self esteem and so many other all important life skills has given me the chance to prepare a survival kit as antidote to the “empty nest syndrome”. Do I think I am completely prepared though, absolutely not. The thought of waving goodbye to a son on his way to another country and packing my daughter’s belongings in preparation for her exit from our home to start her professional career leaves me feeling so conflicted. I am so happy and excited and so very proud of them yet at the same time incredibly anxious, afraid and sad for me. Ironically so much has been written about the topic and so many suggestions are available to prepare for this phase of our lives and looking back on my own career I have even casually talked to parents and patients about the importance of this preparation phase, but finding myself in the midst of it leaves me thinking that no measure of preparation is enough to make it any easier. I knew it was coming, I did prepare for this, I was looking forward to watching my kids become human beings in their own right, working towards the fulfillment of their dreams and even reconnecting with some dreams of my own again, but somehow I find myself in a bitter-sweet void unable to get a grip and the survival kit seems to be a distant memory. Have the Pity Party…and then Get A Grip The most important aspect of this phase – in my humble opinion! – is to allow yourself a pity party or two BUT to include boundaries. I completely believe that it is entirely normal to feel sad, anxious and afraid about the prospect of kids flying the coop. For so many years we as parents have cared for, nurtured and loved them and suddenly the kids will no longer be near us to protect them, to soothe them or even to feed them on a daily basis! During the past few weeks I would be driving in my car and one of my kids’ favorite songs would start playing with a resultant little lump uncontrollably developing in my throat and that’s when it hit me… that can be my own private little pity party. I purposely decided to keep the cd’s in my car and allow them to play randomly. Whenever the songs then do come up I reminisce about our drives to school, their remarks and even their friends’ reactions and quirky sayings, all the while swallowing the ever-present lump in the throat, slowly but surely getting to a point where I can fondly remember and focus on the good times I have been blessed with while they were growing up in my care. But when the song is done and my trip in the car is completed my pity party has to come to an end. I’m sure this will last for a while into the future but as long as I don’t allow myself to wallow in despair feeling slumped and stuck in a pit of abandonment, I know I will be alright. Okay, so the year is quickly nearing its end, the final academical school year has come and gone and college graduation is looming around the corner. Flights are booked and CV’s have been sent to companies. Time to access that survival kit. Time to take stock to deal with and hopefully even enjoy this time of

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period of change. 1. Friends and Family During the past couple of weeks I have realized that I will need to ask for help and I will need to reach out to those who will remain around me to support me during this time. I am extremely fortunate because my sister (and best friend!) and so many of our friends are going through exactly the same change! Friendships that have often been neglected are being rekindled and our social life is improving in leaps and bounds. Spontaneous visits are suddenly not uncommon and impromptu get-togethers are happening more frequently and it has made things easier. We have made a silent pact though that we will not only reminisce about the past we shared with our kids which seems to allow our friendships to evolve to a different level with new conversations, new topics and new interests being

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shared among us…almost like meeting new people! So exciting. 2. Exercise and Diet For so many years the focus has been on the kids and believe me that’s not their fault at all, it was by parental choice. In retrospect obviously an unbalanced approach to my own life, but a choice I nevertheless don’t regret. However, now it’s time to focus on me a little more. My kids don’t really share the same palette as I so now it’s time to make the dishes that usually elicited the “oh no’s” or the “do we have to eat that?” I love veggies and a little healthier approach to eating and now I can comfortably cook what I like and probably even lose a couple of kilo’s as well! Now that I have a little bit more funds to spare due to college fees being a thing of the past I decided to get myself a personal trainer. Not only does it get me out of my comfort zone but

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it allows me to meet new people while getting the endorphins flowing which inevitably lifts my mood, not forgetting that the sagging body gets a much needed workout. 3. Start a new hobby or allow for “me” time Instead of allowing noticeable gaps in the day formerly filled with the kids’ extra-mural activities I have been looking at a couple of interests I can pursue including some new hobbies, activities or even groups I can join. I know though that I will need to take care not to fill my day unnecessarily to the hilt just because I don’t want time to think about my kids or missing them because I realize that that would be counterproductive and codependent. Getting to a place in my life where I can be doing nothing while simply enjoying my own company has always been a challenge for me and perhaps now is the time to practice that ability. 4. Consider a little interior decorating – no shrines in the home! I read this somewhere and I fully intend to pay careful consideration to this aspect. Many parents keep their children’s rooms exactly the way the child left it when they leave home. It’s their prerogative to do so, but I have decided to prevent myself from keeping their vacant rooms as a shrine and to make minor changes. Obviously much of their belongings and personal touches will remain but I have started planning some changes to ensure that the space remains an active part of our home. 5. Maintain routines as far as possible I work mostly from home and have followed a routine which was inevitably focused around the kids’ schedules. Now that their activities have come to an end my own routine has become somewhat disrupted. However, I have tried to maintain as much of my routine as possible particularly during the mornings, getting up at the same time as before and going about business as usual. 6. Avoidance is never an option Although wallowing in despair will be a realistic occurrence, it is important to have someone to talk to in respect of feelings and thoughts about the changes happening and those that still lie

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ahead. I am fortunate that I have a couple of people I share the type of relationship with that I can talk to with the knowledge

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I need it. So find someone, preferably more than one person, that you can talk to and share your thoughts and feelings with, who will listen without judgements but who is able to share their own perspectives and thoughts in response. With the help of my husband, family and friends and my all important survival kit I know I will get through this period in my life. I feel blessed and fortunate that I am able to realize that this is a normal part of adulthood and although I definitely am experiencing bouts of anxiety and depression

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I am aware that I should guard against jumping to a premature diagnosis. However, it is vital to remain aware of warning signs should the natural grieving period turn into an episode of depression and/or anxiety. Some of the warning signs can include :

  • neglecting daily self care activities,
  • an inability to face work or friends or
  • not wanting to get out of bed in the morning

Should you become aware of any of the signs,symptoms or warning signs it is important to consult your GP or a psychologist for more specialized assistance. I constantly remind myself that my relationship with my kids are not coming to an end it is simply changing and evolving. My little girl has

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turned into a beautiful, capable young woman

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and my busy little boy has become a handsome, self-sufficient young man and as such we can share a relationship built on a strong foundation IF I allow them to become the people they want to be. Despite my own issues I am able to look forward to watching their journeys unfold and I can only hope that I am able to continue sharing in some of it, but in the mean time I will learn to focus on me and reinvent myself. proscardapoxetine forum

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